My New Years Resolution is to simplify my life. There are twelve sub-categories underneath this subject, each to be accomplished during one month of the year. Each is a relatively large task and brings its own set of complications and hardships in order to achieve my overall goal.
The first to tackle on my list was to go through 16 boxes of clothing I’ve saved, a huge closet full of hanging clothes, and a large chest of drawers. All of these clothes were saved for years because honestly they “sparked joy” in my heart.
I started with attempting one box at a time. It was hard. I didn’t realize how hard it would be until a few days into the boxes I woke up, looked at all my clothing in the huge “donate” pile on the floor in my bedroom, and had a pretty large anxiety attack come over me.
I decided to take a few days off so I could figure out why these old clothes were affecting me like this. You see, my brain wanted to get rid of these clothes! The very burden of seeing them in my closet was almost too much to bear. The emotional baggage of “one day I’ll fit into that again” was weighing immensely on my shoulders and had become a depressing burden to carry. I was not a good steward over these clothes, they deserved to be worn by someone who needed them, not shoved inside a dark box.
However, the emotional attachment and feelings for these clothes ran deep inside my soul. Loving who I used to be when I once wore them, feeling carefree and at peace with my once thinner self. How Doug looked at me when I wore these clothes, the way he would compliment me and treat me so sweetly. Working a full-time job in the community while wearing these clothes. Feeling important, interacting with people, and most importantly–helping patients while in these clothes. It was almost too much to bear, to part with such a huge part of myself. An era gone by, the very last remnants what remained of me from when we lived in Seattle.
After taking a few days to step back and reflecting on all of these feelings I realized something. I’m not that same person who wore those clothes anymore. I’m not her and I never will be again. I have grown and changed into an even better version of me. Three years after moving to Texas and overcoming many challenges has made me different. I’d never want to go back to the old me because I’ve grown in so many ways. But carrying this huge burden each day and waiting for me to become a younger version of myself has carried its toll. I’m tired of it. I’m fed up living in what if’s or maybe’s. I am ready to live in today, with no baggage, without those old clothes holding me back.
Hesitantly I continued my project. I bagged and boxed them up. I sent a huge box to my sister, gave some to a friend, and donated the remaining to a woman’s shelter. And do you know what happened? I felt HAPPY. I felt FREE. Most importantly, I embraced the new ME.