Often I will take the opportunity to listen to a podcast or a conference talk while I am getting ready for the day. It sets the perfect tone for what I hope will be the perfect day. Today I listened to President Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s “In Praise of Those Who Save”. You can listen to it here.
This really struck a chord with me as I am going through an interesting time of throwing out this and getting rid of that–while on my journey to simplification and decluttering my life. This talk reminded me how important it is to keep my family close and my husband even closer. To me, these are the things which are worth saving.
I wouldn’t ever think of decluttering my husband and children out of my life. However, I have walked this road before and I have seen the destruction of family first hand. I know how easy it can seem for some to give up instead of working on a marriage. The thought is that to leave would make it better and that it is easier and less complicated just to start over. Sadly, this is never really the case.
Starting over and change always bring about MUCH hardship and pain. More than those who haven’t gone through it can ever imagine. The pains from these changes may not come immediately. It may feel that things are great and life is better than before. However, if it is you who has left a spouse for selfish desires and reasons it is almost guaranteed that down the road there will direct consequences for the choices that have been made.
But maybe you were left to feel like you weren’t worth keeping. Maybe you were cheated on, abused or misused. If you were left alone on to begin this new path there is hope. It is through the refiners fire of such changes that we often times realize how blessed we are and that we are strong enough to pick up the pieces and make a beautiful life for ourselves. However, after having loved and lost, our lives will never be the same. We emerge as different people, there just isn’t any other way, because through changes we CHANGE. It can often times take several years to completely repair a past of broken trust or to fully believe that you are indeed worth keeping.
These tender spots in your heart of not trusting another, or even not trusting yourself to fully give your life to and love another again, are easily torn open. So they are guarded to the degree that you can easily become hardened or beyond feeling. Sometimes you want to cry, but you cannot. Because you have built up the fence so strong and fought for safety for so long, it is almost impossible for any emotions to come or go.
But sometimes there will be a little hole in the fence and something will sneak through. It is a beautiful result, to love again. With hesitation you tread ever so lightly. Unsure and unknowing if this can be trusted. Do you deserve this? Why would you deserve a second chance for happiness? Is it really real? Does he really love you? What if he does not? What if he is going to leave you? Well, then that is going to hurt like hell so maybe you shouldn’t love him as much–just in case.
It is a game of emotions, this trusting thing. It is hard to see it and it hides deep down so you can go years living this way not knowing. You even THINK you are loving him with your whole heart, but little do you know that you are not. But then one day, maybe ten, maybe twenty years down the road something incredible happens! The fence was coming down piece by piece through the years and it finally falls by the wayside. You notice and you FEEL different.
You can tell that there was a guarded love and how sad is it that he had to go through all of those years with a wounded woman. But he tells you that you are worth it. He has said it before. But guess what? This time you believe it. For the first time, you really believe him, and in the depths of your soul you know that it is true. You know that you can trust him.
And this starts something new. Something even more beautiful and amazing than you ever dreamt of. Better than when he first loved you and you first loved him. You realize that this journey that you have been on all had a purpose. This purpose is YOU. And it isn’t selfish and it isn’t bad to feel important and it doesn’t take away anyone else’s joy to feel your own joy. So you stop holding back. Because all those years that is what you did. You held back, you didn’t fully feel and you realize because of that you didn’t fully live.
Like a butterfly in a cocoon you slowly emerge and see life more beautifully. Because now you are changed and these experiences and break-through’s have made you into a unique person. One who knows her worth and one who can show others theirs. You’ve become a woman who is no longer afraid. A woman who no longer hides hear heart. And most of all, a woman who is worth saving.